I’ve learned a lot about life from cartoons. And being born in 1983 means I grew up with the Simpsons. The ingenious of Edgar Allan Poe’s “Tell Tale Heart”, the stupidity of vegetarianism (you don’t win friends with salad), and the example of “right” Christian living exemplified by Ned Flanders are lessons I’ve taken to heart.
But I just realized something new and it dawns upon me from all angles and all sides. Left handed people are evil.bad.sinister.
Evidence
1. In one episode of the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror, Bart has a twin brother named Bort “We need more Bort licence plates, I repeat we need more Bort license plates”, Hugo. Hugo is the evil twin, trapped in the walls and attic of 742 Evergreen Terrace. But by the end of the episode, we realize Bart, being the conjoined twin on the left side, has always been the evil one.
The word sinister is derived from the Latin word for “left-handedness.”
2. Look how ugly Derek Fisher’s left handed shot is. That’s how all left handed shooters look.
3. In many cultures and societies, shaking hands with the left hand is just plain wrong. Why? Because the left hand is used to clean your bum after…your business. (I’m just going to leave that there)
4. And an epiphany I just had right now, that probably isn’t all that special to you…
the opposite of right is left. another opposite of right is wrong. therefore by the transitive property left is wrong!
Conclusion
In conclusion, I now understand why my dad, on my first day of kindergarten, asked my teacher to tie my left hand behind my back and force me to use only my right hand. Thanks dad for trying to save me from the pits of hell. I love you too. =)
chthonian
